


Control

by DreamLogic



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-04
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-01-03 11:36:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1070011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamLogic/pseuds/DreamLogic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PUNKCOP AU. Sarah stops Beth from killing herself and they go on to become close.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And She Gave Away the Secrets of Her Past

**Author's Note:**

> I felt that this needed to be more of a thing. There’s not nearly enough of this anywhere and by that I mean there’s literally almost nothing so yeah but I wanted to read it and got bored of waiting. If a better writer does it I will applaud them for it. May or may not follow canon because AU (plus I haven’t decided yet but yeah more than probably kinda).  
> So tell me if this something you’d be interested in reading more of.

As Beth walked towards the train station she wondered how it could have come to this. She’d always been so in control but recently, everything had just been spinning so quickly out of control and she didn’t know what to do anymore.

 

She killed a person.

 

She knew that she had to do it. She had to, to protect herself, to protect Alison, Cosima, the German and god knows how many more of them. There could be hundreds of them for all she knows, and it was her job to protect them. Maggie Chen was after them. She wanted to hurt them, to kill them and Beth knew that she had to keep them safe, but she doesn’t how she can anymore.

 

Everything had fallen apart. She had killed a person. She could lose her job. All that on top of whatever it is that’s happening with Paul, it was just too much. She just couldn’t anymore.

 

She stood on the platform, deliberating, wondering how to go about doing this. She puts down her bag, her I.D inside. It’s important that she does this right, there needs to be no doubt as to whose body they find, she needs to keep the rest of them safe.  Any other police involvement could expose them all, and god knows what would happen to them then.

 

As she heard the train coming she prepared walked towards the platform’s edge. It wouldn’t be long now she told herself she looked around the platform, taking in her surroundings and checking for any potential problems.

 

At first she’s not sure if she’s seen correctly, but lo and behold, there on the platform is another one of them. Another person she has failed, but there’s nothing she can do to change that now.

 

She took a deep breath and prepared to jump.

* * *

  

At first Sarah didn’t quite believe what she was seeing. There was a woman. A woman who looked exactly like her. A woman who was preparing to jump. A woman who looks exactly like her, preparing to jump. It would just not compute.

 

As she walked towards the stranger time seemed to slow around her. She didn’t understand what she was doing, she just knew that if she wanted to know why the hell the woman looked the same as her, she had to stop her from killing herself.

 

She just, she had to.

 

* * *

 

 Beth had not expected to be stopped.

 

She had seen the other woman moving towards her. Her identical. But she had not expected her to react in time.

 

She had not expected the arms that grabbed her around her waist just as she was about to jump. She had not expected someone to pull her back, hold her close.

 

‘Just what do you think you’re doing?’ The surprisingly unfamiliar voice whispered roughly in her ear. She hadn’t expected the English accent.

 

The day was full of surprises it seemed.

 

The next thing she knows she’s being pulled away from the platform’s edge. Slowly but surely until they come to a complete stop next to her belongings.  ‘Put your bloody shoes on,’ her identical hissed at her as she slowly let the grip on Beth’s waist slacken, as if she’s trying to gauge whether or not Beth would make a run for it, ‘and don’t try anything stupid, yeah?.’ She adds as an after- thought.

 

Because that would stop her.

 

Not that she felt remotely like trying anything again at that particular moment, this woman stopped her once, she’d have no problem doing it again, and any motivation she had had had seemed to drain from her the moment the other woman restrained her.

 

In fact, for the first time in a long while, she felt oddly calm. The lack of control, even though it had only lasted a second had been just as freeing as the pills had ever been. As she turned to face the other woman, she wondered how long the feeling would last. She’d take as long as she could get.

 

* * *

 

 Sarah was freaking the fuck out.

 

She didn’t know what on earth had happened. One minute she was standing looking at the woman preparing to jump, the next thing she knows, she’s holding her, pulling her away from the edge of the platform. And she had absolutely no idea how that happened.

 

For a moment she just stood there with the other woman in her arms, unsure as to whether to let her go or not, she might make a run for it or try to throw herself in front of the next fucking train, so keeping her close at least for a little while seemed like a fan-fucking-tastic idea at that particular moment.

 

She needed to know who the hell this woman was, and why the fuck they look exactly the same, and to find that out she needed her to stay alive. Well she figured she could probably find out if she wanted to, and boy did she want to, but keeping her alive seemed like the easier option.  For the moment at least, this woman could be a right pain in the arse for all she knew. She’d already made her life harder just by being in the place at the wrong time, who knows what she could do with a little effort.

 

She knew that her impromptu rescue would have probably caused a scene if the station were any busier, so Sarah thanked God for small mercies, they had gotten a few weird looks at first but they had died away with the woman’s struggles. Sarah figured people assumed that they were family, sisters. Hell if it wasn’t happening to her she’d assume as much. For all she knew they were family, it’s not like she ever knew hers, not a biological one anyway. 

 

As the woman turned, just for one second Sarah let herself imagine that she’d simply imagined that the woman had her face, that she’d simply saved a life, done a good deed, all that jazz.

 

But no.

 

It’s never that simple is it?

 

She hadn’t been imagining it.

 

Fuck.

 

* * *

 

 

Beth waited for the other woman to say something but she just kept staring at her. Beth supposed that the poor girl was probably in shock, or something similar. Seeing another person with your face can do that to a person, as she remembers all too well. Although, given how forceful and simply in control the other woman had seemed only moments earlier, the reaction did surprise her.

 

Then again she doesn’t know this woman. They may look the same but they’ve never met and genetics can’t control everything. And she knows from experience, meeting Alison and Cosima, just how different they can actually be, in her experience they only dictate the superficial.

 

Heavens knows how long they stood there, just looking at each other until Beth could take it no longer.

 

‘Come on,’ she said, taking the other woman by the arm as she began to walk away. Only stooping to pick up her bag as an afterthought.

 

‘Where are we going?’ her identical asked after a few moments, pulling her arm free from Beth’s hold, rubbing it up and down as if she had hurt her. For a moment Beth is annoyed that the woman has stopped, that is until she considered the very real possibility that if the situation were reversed she wouldn’t just blindly follow a stranger God knows where either. In fact, once she considered that, she’s actually surprised that they’d made it out of the train station and let alone as far as they had.

 

‘Just somewhere we can talk, don’t worry.’  She said in an attempt to temporarily placate her companion. ‘Well actually, first to my car and then somewhere we can talk.’ She added after a moment in the spirit of complete disclosure, she hadn’t actually decided where they should go. Everything about this was unplanned.  

 

‘Why should I come with you?’ Beth hadn’t really considered that the other woman wouldn’t follow her. Was she not curious? Did she not want to know what was going on?

 

‘You want answers? Then you’ll come. Otherwise, I can’t help you.’

 

The other woman seemed to consider this and for a minute, Beth really isn’t sure if she other woman will follow her. She finds herself both oddly disappointed and envious at the prospect that this woman could just walk away. She’d never had a choice, but this new identical in front of her right now could make a choice and walk away, she could remain ignorant, or nearly ignorant, of the whole mess that was the basis of their entire existence, and Beth didn’t know whether she wanted her to or not.

 

After a few agonising moments and a barely there nod of the head they’re on the move again.

 

They don’t speak another word until they’re sat in her living room. She couldn’t think of any place appropriate to have the ‘we’re clones’ conversation, so she settled for having privacy at least. She thanked God that Paul was away and that she would not have to face that particular situation for at least another couple of days.

 

She wished she had had the opportunity to take something, just to calm her nerves, before she had to try to explain everything, but she didn’t trust the woman not to take off and take half her possessions with her.  Of course, she could be worried for nothing, but on the other hand her paranoia could be completely justified. So no. No leaving her alone until they know each other at least a little better. Then she could at least make an informed judgement.

 

That being said she still had absolutely no idea how to start.

 

How do you even begin to tell somebody that they’re actually the result of illegal human cloning?

 

Realising that they really hadn’t even covered the basics she decided that as they had to start somewhere they may as well start there.

 

Having decided she gathered her courage. Turned to fully face her companion and simply stated ‘I’m Beth. Elizabeth Childs.’

 

There. Those were words. Now just for the Rest.

 

* * *

   

Sarah was not entirely sure what was happening. She’d been dragged halfway across the city and now they were just staring at each other again, or at least she was staring at her, she just could not get over how similar they looked. The other woman seemed to be looking at something particularly interesting on the couch. Whatever they were looking at they’d just been sitting there for god knows how long. It was getting a bit ridiculous.

 

‘I’m Beth.’ Okay not what she was expecting as an opening statement, but everything has to start somewhere.

 

The newly identified Beth then resumed her staring. This time at her.

 

Okay, that was more unnerving than she’d anticipated.  Why was she just looking at her? Was she waiting for something? What?

 

‘And you are?’ Beth continues after a few moments.

 

Ah. She wanted her name.

 

That makes sense.

 

‘Sarah. I’m Sarah.’ She replied. ‘So you gonna tell me what’s going on here, miss I have the answers, we family or something?’

 

‘Definitely, or something’ Beth replied. Because that answer wasn’t ambiguous at all.

 

They continued to stare at each other. Sarah wasn’t sure what to make of Beth. Looking around her home it seemed like she had a good life, like she was pretty together in the grand scheme of things, but then only an hour or so earlier she’d tried to top herself. So no, Sarah had absolutely no idea what to make of her.

 

It may have had something to do with the fact that they looked exactly the same, but there was something surrounding the woman that Sarah needed to figure out.

 

On second thought, it definitely had to do with the looking exactly the same thing. But that didn’t mean that it didn’t go further than that. It could do, she wasn’t sure. She supposed only time will tell, see how long her interest lasts after the initial fascination has worn off.

 

She watched as Beth visibly struggled to find whatever it was she needed to be able to continue. Until.

 

‘Clones’ she suddenly stated.

 

Okay. Clones. That made perfect sense.

 

Wait. What?

 

* * *

 

Beth watched Sarah closely as the meaning of her words sank in and comprehension dawned on her.

 

She watched as Sarah stood and began to walk about the room. Confused at the unexpected relief that flowed through her as she realised that Sarah was not running away. Not yet, at least.

 

She braced herself for some sort of response as Sarah came to a stop in front of her, again staring right into her eyes. But still nothing came.

 

As they continued to maintain eye-contact she wondered if this was going to become a thing between them. Unrelenting, intense and completely unsettling bouts of sustained eye-contact.  She wasn’t entirely sure she’d mind if it did. Sarah had nice eyes, she noted. Maybe too much eye make-up, but nice all the same.

And that’s a train of thought that will only lead to confusion.

 

‘You’re shitting me, right? This is some sort of joke and you’re actually my long lost sister or something, right?’ Sarah asked in disbelief. Beth had expected that, she’d known for a while and she still found it hard to believe.

 

Sarah continued to stare for a few moments longer before finally looking away, obviously finding the answer she was searching for in Beth’s eyes.

 

‘Fuck,’ she breathed out, slumping down onto the couch beside Beth. ‘Clones.’

 

‘Clones.’ Beth repeated simply. ‘There are at least three of us in North America that we know of. Four now I guess. We’ve, I’ve, had contact with one from Europe, there are more there, I don’t know how many. God knows how many of us there are.’

 

She watched again as Sarah seemed to take the information on board. Beth wondered how she seemed so calm, she knew that if she’d been bombarded with this information the way that Sarah had been that she would be the opposite of calm. It was a lot of life changing information for such a relatively short period of time.  

 

‘Clones’ Sarah again repeated, laughing incredulously to herself. ‘So that makes us what? What’s our deal? We just some sort of fucked up science experiment?’ Sarah asked, leaning towards Beth. The sudden shift in the intensity of her questions taking Beth by surprise.

 

She was surprised to hear it so bluntly put. Between them, her and Cosima and Alison, they had always tried to avoid thinking about it like that, to consider that their lives were not the same as other peoples, that there was anything different about them. Denial was the key. Hell she’d already broken one of their rules by just using the word clone to describe them.

 

‘Yeah. I guess we are, yes.’

 

She didn’t know the half of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. And Walked Upon the Edge of No Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's a second chapter of this, it was slow coming but hopefully as it goes on updates will get quicker, guess it all depends on life though as I have finals coming up.
> 
> Also I realised after I'd written that at the beginning the only phones Sarah had were Beth's but oh well.
> 
> Anyway enjoy and any feedback is appreciated.

They’re pulled from their discussion when Sarah’s phone rings, making them both jump.  She reached into her pocket to pull out her phone, attention still on the woman in front of her.

 

‘Yeah,’ she answered distractedly, eye still firmly fixed on Beth.

 

‘Where are you then?’ the familiar voice from the phone questioned.

 

‘Felix?’

 

‘Well who else would it be? You phone to say you’re coming, and you want to meet, then disappear.’ Ah yes she’d forgotten about that. ‘Not that that’s anything new, but…’

 

‘Shit Fee. I… I got distracted by something. I’m Sorry. I’ll be there soon, yeah?’

 

‘Well don’t take too long. Not losing sleep for your sorry arse.’ Felix said, hanging up before Sarah could answer.

 

Sarah stared at her phone, she didn't want to leave Beth yet. Yes, she had the answers to the most of her questions, but really, right now, she wanted to know more about her. And plus, the woman had tried to kill herself earlier that night, who’s to say that she wouldn't try again if she left. She didn't want that on her conscience.

 

She looked up from her phone, directly into Beth’s curious eyes.

 

‘You have to go?’ Beth questioned.

 

Yes. She knew that she probably should. Felix would be pissed if she stood him up, but she didn't want to.

 

‘Do you want me to go?’ Sarah replied, breaking their eye contact, afraid of the answer she’d find there.

 

She regretted the question the moment it passed her lips. She could just feel Beth staring at her, trying to find a way to tell her to leave, that she didn't want her there. She knew that she should leave, leave and never look back, she could escape from this whole mess, from the inevitable pain and confusion, if she just left now. She had the perfect excuse, Felix was waiting for her and yet, she didn't know what she’d do if Beth said yes. She wanted to stay, wanted all the answers, wanted to know this woman in front of her and, for some reason, it was important that Beth wanted her there too.

 

The silence hung thickly between them, and Sarah had never felt more foolish in her life. She closed her eyes and tried to will the disappointment away, she had really thought that Beth would want her to stay. She should have known better.

  

 

* * *

 

 

‘Do you want me to go?’

 

The hopefulness in Sarah’s tone had thrown Beth. Sarah wanted to stay. She wanted to stay there with her, not go running to whomever had called. The thought filled Beth with warmth.

 

She’s not really used to people being around her. Even her family and Paul, the man who was supposed to love her or pretend to at least, she wasn't sure anymore, couldn't stand to be around her for more than a couple of hours. She wasn't used to someone actually wanting to stay.

 

She watched as the hope drained from Sarah. Her posture drooping, breaking eye contact as she waited for her to answer. She watched all this whilst desperately trying to find the words to convey just how much she wanted her there. She’d only just met this woman but for the first time in a long time she no longer felt alone. 

 

Sure she had Alison and Cosima with her in all of this, but they didn't even know half of the stuff that she does for them, plus they have their own lives to worry about. Cosima has school and Alison has her family and her whole life to maintain, Beth just couldn't burden them anymore than she had to. Something about Sarah just felt different, she’d saved her. Literally. And here she was basically offering her help, offering to share the burden. Beth knew that if she can just get Sarah to stay, she could help. Even if she doesn't know if she can trust her yet, at least she wouldn't be alone. Things would be better.

 

But she couldn't find the words.

 

‘I guess I’ll just go then.’ Sarah said.

 

Beth watched as Sarah began to gather her things, as she slowly stood and walked towards the door. She couldn't believe that she was just letting her walk away. All she could think was that she had to stop her. Stop her now or she’d regret it.

 

She didn't even have a way to contact her and she was what, going to let her just leave. Sarah was a part of this now, whether she wanted her to be or not. She had to keep them all safe, and that included Sarah now, she couldn't just leave.

 

And yet Beth had still not stopped her.

 

Why hadn't she stopped her?

 

‘Wait’ Beth said, finally. Sarah paused, facing away from the other woman her shoulders tensed.

 

‘I don’t want you to go.’

 

There. She managed to say it.

 

She watches as Sarah hesitated for a second before returning to her side.

 

‘Besides, we still obviously have a lot to talk about.’

 

They settled into a comfortable silence as Beth considered how to start with the rest. There was so much that she wanted to tell her, but she figured that unless Sarah actually asked to hear it, that she should probably ease her into it. She’d already been bombarded with enough new, life-changing information that night to last a lifetime.

 

* * *

 

 

  

‘So you've met others, you sounded like you’d met others, like they actually exist, yeah?’ Sarah asked.

 

She watched as Beth seemed to consider the question. ‘Yeah, I've met two others. Cosima and Alison. No doubt you’ll meet them too, especially once I tell them about you. Alison doesn't even live that far away.’ She paused momentarily before looking directly at Sarah, a small, almost self-satisfied yet solemn smile on her face. ‘You realise there’s no escape now, right?’

 

Sarah was taken aback the certainty in the statement. She couldn't help but disagree, however, Beth really knew nothing about her still. She barely had her name, let alone any sort of way to contact her. Besides, she was good at disappearing. If she wanted to, she knew that she could leave and Beth would never be able to find her again.

 

But she knew that she couldn't run again.

 

Not now.

 

Despite the mess that she’d landed in the middle of, she couldn't leave then. Not without Kira, at least. She was the priority. If she needed to deal with all this other shit as well, so be it.

 

This would help keep her occupied while she figured out how to do that. Or at least that’s what she had to keep telling herself. She couldn't let herself get attached, she wouldn't. No matter how intrigued she was by the other woman, she had to keep her head in the game.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

‘You realise there’s no escape now?’

 

Beth really wanted to believe that. That sarah was just as stuck in this as she was. And maybe she shouldn't want another person to be dragged into the middle of the whole clone situation, but she just couldn't shake the feeling that Sarah could help. That Sarah could make things better. Make her better.

 

She'd been drowning for so long now, and she couldn't help but feel that Sarah could save her. She'd already done it once, after all.

 

As the two of them fell silent Beth wondered just how the others would react to Sarah, she laughed at the thought, drawing a confused look from her companion. Alison would probably hate her on sight. But she’d have to deal with that later, she had to tell the others about Sarah first.

 

One thing at a time.

 

The next thing Beth Knows it's morning, She doesn't really know how that happened.

They really hadn't been talking for too long before they must have fallen asleep but, she supposed that it must have been well past midnight by the time she had even gone to the train station.  She doesn't really know, even though she knows that she had been sober the details are a little fuzzy around the edges but even so, the morning shouldn't have come as a surprise.

  

She can’t help but be disappointed. With the morning comes real life, and with it everything that she had been trying to escape. Maybe, just maybe Sarah can save her from that too.

 

She walked to the bathroom, wanting a minute to put herself together, needing something to take the edge off, before walking back towards Sarah.

 

The other woman looked so troubled in her sleep, she had rolled in on herself in her sleep, tension sitting heavy in her shoulders, her eye-brow furrowed.

 

Beth reached forward, wanting to smooth her troubled brow, to ease her worries as she slept but, just before she made contact she caught herself. How could she possibly hope to help when she would only inevitably add to Sarah’s problems?

 

Laughing incredulously, she pulled her hand back as she sank down onto the sofa.

 

As the pills started to work the world around her began to dim, become softer as it lost focus. She hoped Sarah was still there when she woke up.

  

 

* * *

 

 

Sarah awoke with a start, looking around quickly as she tried to figure out where on earth she had ended up.

 

As her eyes landed on the woman sleeping next to her on the sofa it all came rushing back. Beth. Clones. A whole fucking shit-storm of complicated that she knew she had to avoid if she wanted to escape with Kira.

 

And yet, she still mad no move to leave.

 

She jumped up, looking around for the backpack that contained her life, moving around the room as quietly as possible as she picked the bag up and made her way to the bathroom to clean herself up.

 

She hadn't even washed up from the train.

 

She stood hunched over the sink basin, looking at herself in the mirror above it as she tried to make sense of the last twenty-four hours.

 

She'd known that coming back here wouldn't be eas, she'd come to steal her child for Christ's sake, she just hadn't anticipated running into any other trouble

 

She could see herself getting attached, and that was really not part of the plan. She was supposed to be in and out quickly, she wasn't supposed to be getting involved in anything else. It was crazy. Sheer fucking lunacy. she should have left as soon as she woke up. And yet, she was still here.

 

As she stared at herself in the mirror she tried to motivate herself, gather the strength she needed to leave now, go to Felix, sell that fucking coke she had taking up space in her bag, and get the ball running on things with Kira. Keep things simple. Or as simple as they can be anyway.

 

‘Sarah?’ she heard Beth call as she shook her head and all thoughts of leaving, of running and deserting the other woman left her. For the moment anyways. Or at least that’s what she tried to tell herself. All of this, this whole mess, it was just a temporary distraction. She needed it to be.

 

So for now, she’d put on the least horrendously uptight looking of Beth’s clothes because, at least they’d be clean, and go with it. Whatever comes next, she’d handle it, for now. For Kira. And although she’d only just met her, for Beth.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

The minute she woke Beth knew that she needed to face reality. The world hadn't stopped turning. And her phones would not stop ringing. Beeping. Neither life was on standby today it seemed. Her head was killing her and what’s more, it seemed that Sarah had her left while she was sleeping.

 

Wonderful.

 

She had known that it was a possibility but she wouldn't let herself get too upset before she knew for sure.

 

‘Sarah?’ She called out, and as no response came she sank back into the couch and allowed the disappointment to flow through her. Her eyes burning with the sting of tears. She had really thought that Sarah could make things better.

 

For the first time in a long time, she’d hoped. Fat lot of good that had done her.

 

She started as she heard a noise, hastily wiping her eyes as Sarah emerged from the bathroom, her steps measured, hesitant. It seemed she wasn't sure about what to do now either.

 

She smiled weakly up at the other woman, even as relief flowed through her at the sight of her, it was hard to gather much enthusiasm for the day ahead. For everything.

 

Her phone rang again, filling the silence that had fallen between them. She eyed it disdainfully. Why wouldn't it just stop?

 

‘You need to get that?’ Sarah asked.

 

‘Probably,’ Beth replied as she continued to ignore the ringing. If she ignored it would go away, Art and Katja would leave her alone and everything would be okay again. Or as okay as it had ever been, ever could be.

 

She stood, walking towards the kitchen, looking for something to make the morning more bearable. For the moment she had to settle for coffee. Paul must have found the stash she kept in the cupboard.

 

Life still goes on.

 

‘Now what?’ Sarah asked from the couch. Beth turned to face her, raising her mug towards her mouth, stopping as she too the other woman in.

 

‘You’re wearing my clothes.’ Beth stated, raising her eye-brow. God that was weird, she thought, now they actually did look identical. She’d even taken her hair down, if it wasn’t for that streak in her hair it’d be like looking in a mirror.

 

‘Don’t miss a trick you, do ya?’ Sarah chuckled biting her lip in an attempt to contain a smile, raising her own eyebrow in return.

 

Okay. Again. Weird.

 

But she liked the teasing. She liked the teasing a lot. Things with Sarah were already so different than with the others, even if she couldn’t quite understand why. There wasn’t the same stifling weight to their interactions. Less pressure.   

 

‘Well it is my job,’ She retorted lightly, ‘Detective Childs at your service.’

 

‘You’re a Cop?’ Beth puzzled at the cold tone to the question. A harsh edge to Sarah’s voice that hadn’t been there before.

 

‘Well technically I’m suspended but, yeah. With the badge and the gun and everything.’ She answered hesitantly, they’d been joking around just seconds earlier, what had happened?

 

She could hear Sarah muttering to herself, fidgeting about on the couch.

 

She watched as Sarah picked up her bag. ‘I have to go.’ She said as she moved towards the door. ‘I got your number and I know you live’ she remarked with the echo of a smile, ‘so I’ll be in touch, yeah’

 

She could see that Sarah had made up her mind, and if she was anything like her she wouldn’t change it. There was no making her stay this time.

 

And as Sarah walked away, Beth fully expected to never see her again.

 

* * *

 

As Sarah tried to walk away she could hear a man call out for Beth, call out to her, she didn’t care who she just needed to get away before they caught up with her.

  

She hadn’t been lying when she said she’d be in touch, she just needed some time to get her head around Beth being a cop. It goes against every fibre of her being to trust her, but she couldn’t help herself.

  

Even though she trusted her she’d still feel better without the coke burning a hole in her bag. She needs the money, but she somehow doesn’t think that she’d be very forgiving if she found that on her. No she needed to shift it.

  

The door to Felix’s loft opened, some faceless guy squeezing out, leaving the door wide open behind him.

  

She slunk in closing the door behind her before throwing herself down on the couch. Just because it had been awhile since she’d seen him didn’t mean she had to make an entrance.

  

And anyway, she could hear him pissing about in the bathroom, no need to disturb him there.

  

Eventually, Felix emerged from the other room, freezing at the sight of his sister in his living room.

  

‘Well, well look what the cat dragged in.’

  

‘Leave it out Fee, it’s not like you didn’t know I was coming.’

  

‘Yeah, well, you said you’d be here hours ago. For all I know you could have taken off again.’

  

Okay, maybe she deserved that.

  

‘I’m back Fee, and I’m not leaving again without my family, without you and Kira.’

  

He moved quickly towards her smacking the back of head playfully as he collapsed beside her, ‘You better not,’ He threatened lightly as he pulled her close ‘or I’ll kick your arse.’

  

Laughing softly she pushed him away, smiling ‘I missed you too Fee.’ She teased.

  

‘Oh shut up. What happened to you then and what’s with those clothes? You look…’

  

‘I had a weird night Fee and we’ll leave that at that for now, yeah. I’ll tell you when I figure out just what on earth happened.’

  

‘And what about Vic the dick?’

  

‘Done. For good this time.’

  

‘You said that the last time.’

  

‘Yeah, well, I hit him first this time. With an ashtray. Doubt he’s too eager for a repeat performance. And anyway,’ she said as she reached into her bag pulling out the coke ‘don’t think he’ll be too happy with me when he realises I’ve got this. Reckon you can shift it?’

  

Sensing his hesitance she quickly added, ‘C’mon Fee. That’s our escape fund there.’

  

‘Can’t promise anything, Sarah’

  

‘Never asked you to. Just try, yeah? For Kira?’

  

She decided that she needed to go back to Beth’s, she’d only been gone a couple of hours, but she knew she had to go back, had to apologise, explain. She’s run from a lot of things in her life, but she knows that she shouldn’t have run from Beth.

  

She just freaked out. Cops had always equalled trouble in her book, but she’d already known that about her. She was her fucking clone for fucks sake, it was never going to be simple, and so she was going back.

  

As she turned towards Beth’s townhouse she heard the same voice as that morning, calling out for Beth. She sped up trying to pretend that she hadn’t heard him and actually make it to the house, but before she could make a hand grasped her upper arm, turning her sharply to face the assailant.

  

‘Beth! What the hell,’ he said, frustration at Beth evident in every move as he began to pull Sarah towards his car. ‘Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to call you for hours. We’ve gotta go.’

  

Fuck. Who the hell was this guy? And more importantly, what the hell was she supposed to do now?

 

 

 

  


	3. Darkness Broke In, I just Broke Down and Cried

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter, couldn't resist adding the shovel line, but anyway, hope you enjoy. As always any feedback is appreciated.

Sarah had no idea what was going on.

 

In the past hour she’d been dragged into a car by a stranger and thrown head first into Beth’s life. Fucking Clones. Fucking Police.

 

How the fuck was she supposed to be a cop? She had trouble following the law, let alone upholding it.

 

She looked around her for someplace to hide, wondering how on earth she was going to get herself out of this without anyone figuring out that she was not Beth. The fucking accent was hard enough with no practice, how was she supposed to fool the people who know her, when she knew literally nothing about her.

 

Finally finding a place to hide, even if only for a few minutes, she crashed into the restroom, reaching into her pocket, pulling out her phone. Scrolling through the contacts she thanked her lucky stars that she actually did take Beth’s number, although, she had no idea if she’d actually pick up, or just what she could do to help her even if she did.

 

She dialled and cursed softly under her breath as she was put through to Beth’s answer phone.

 

‘c’mon, pick up’ she muttered as she redialled, frustration rolling off her in waves.

 

Again.

 

No answer.

 

‘Beth.’ She shouted into her phone as she began to leave a message. ‘I’m freaking out a little bit here. Pick up. Please. They think I’m you and there’s a hearing or something? Why is there a hearing?’ She began to panic as the reality that she’d have to deal with this by herself began to sink in. There was no running from this. ‘I can’t be you Beth. I can’t be a cop. Help me.’

 

‘Fuck.’ She sighed as she ended the call, raking one hand through her hair as the other came to rest on the side of the sink in front of her. She needed a game plan. A way to get herself out without exposing them.

 

She’d always been good at escaping. Running away from anything that caused her any trouble. The fact that she would actually have to face this terrified her. There was nowhere to run.

 

She took a deep breath, looking around for anything that could help her. Her eyes focused on the hand soap above the sink.  There. There was a way out, she hoped. A way to get them to stop asking her questions that she couldn’t possibly know the answer to. She didn’t even know what Beth had done that needed an enquiry in the first place.

 

A sense of desperation and renewed determination to get the hell out of there filling her, she reached for the soap.

 

Holding it under her nose she sniffed it cautiously before bringing it to her mouth.  She’s going to regret this later, she knows, but she also cannot see another way out. She drinks the soap quickly, forcing herself to swallow, trying not to choke.

 

God that was disgusting.

 

She breathed deeply, leaning heavily on the sink in front of her, praying that she stomach would settle enough for her to execute her plan.

 

She walked slowly from the restroom, breathing deeply, needing to hold her nerves, and her stomach until she could get the hell out of there.

 

She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous about this. It’s just another con really, it was what she did. But the idea of actually trying to convince people who know Beth, who interact with her daily, and who are fucking cops to boot, that she’s her, made her uneasy.

 

She steadied herself as reached the conference room.  This wasn’t the time to freak out, she had to put her game face on, still not relishing the idea of what she knew she had to do next.

 

As she walked into the room she could fee all of their eyes upon her, and she wondered just what it was that Beth had done that had these people watching her like that.

 

Still, she could barely bring herself to listen to what they were saying, hearing ‘civilian shooting’ was more than enough to figure out what was going on there, she just focused on trying keeping herself composed.

 

She became aware of eyes watching her again, obviously waiting for the answer to a question that she had not heard, but still, it was time. She was getting the fuck out of there.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Her phone had been ringing constantly, one had stopped and for that she was thankful but the other had just kept on going. Beth had tried to ignore it, she really had but the incessant ringing was driving her to her wits end.

 

Groaning, she reached for the nearest, real life, it seemed, would wait no longer.

 

‘Jesus,’ she murmured as she took in the sheer number of missed messages she had amassed, and for a moment she seriously considered just continuing to ignore them. Then the pink phone beeped again.

 

_Where are you?_

 

Again

 

_I’m still waiting_

Again

 

_We are still meeting, yes?_

Shit. The German. She’d forgotten about that. She didn’t really think she’d have to remember.

 

She pulled herself up from her position on the couch, before beginning her morning routine. If she was going to meet with Katja she wanted to appear at least a bit more put- together than she actually was, turning up in the clothes she’d slept in probably wasn’t the way to do that.

 

She closed her eyes as she tried to regulate her breathing, trying to become the person that she knew she had to be when she finally met with the German. For the others. She had to be the Beth that they needed, the Beth who was in charge of the situation, confident, calm. The Beth who wasn’t scared out of her mind every second of every day.

 

The pills helped.

 

Nothing’s as scary when the edges are soft.

 

Gathering her courage she made her way towards the door. She couldn’t put it off any longer.

 

* * *

 

 

Things had fallen to shit more quickly than she ever could have anticipated.

 

The moment that the German got into her car everything fell apart. First she hadn’t even brought the briefcase with her, she’d assured her that it was safe but wasn’t getting that information the point of this meeting in the first place? And then silence and a shattered windscreen, blood and another dead body on her hands that she had no clue what to do with. Time moving so quickly that she was barely able to keep up.

 

And this time there was no-one to help her.

 

She stumbled from her car, trying to escape the thick stench of blood that permeated the air inside the car.

 

Placing a steadying hand against the car she tried to take deep breaths, willing her body to calm down so that she could think clearly enough to actually do something about the body on her backseat.

 

She was a cop. She was supposed to be able to remain calm in situations like this, think clearly and act. But it’s not like she could followed protocol. How would that have looked? Her calling in a dead in her car? The second person dead on her watch in a matter of months. A dead body that looked exactly like her in the back of her car.

 

No there was no way she could get through this using official means without the whole thing blowing up in her face. She just wished that she could think clearly enough to think things through clearly, but the combination of the god knows what flowing through her veins and the unadulterated panic flooding her was stopping her.

 

Reaching blindly into her pocket she pulled out a handful of whatever she had there, taking one, two, three. One of them was bound to help.

 

Her phone rang in her pocket, cutting through the crushing silence around her. As she looked at the unknown number on the screen, just for one moment she wondered just how someone could have known what had happened. What other reason would this person have for calling her?

 

‘Beth?’ rang clearly through the phone as soon as she accepted the call. Okay so this person knew her. That was something at least.

‘Beth, are you there? It’s me Sarah.’

 

Sarah. Sarah was ringing her. Sarah hadn’t lied, hadn’t left her. She could help her. She had to help her.

 

‘Yeah.’ She replied, her voice hoarse. ‘I’m here.’

 

Sarah launched into a tirade that she couldn’t find within herself to follow but the sound of her voice was soothing. She needed to ask her for help. She was the only one who could help.  She was so caught up in her relief that she didn’t notice that Sarah had stopped speaking. ‘Beth?’ Sarah asked again, her uncertainty sounding clear, even over the phone. Sarah thought that she had hung up. Beth didn’t think that she could have even if she wanted to, the sound of the other woman’s voice, the prospect that she wasn’t in this alone , the only thing keeping her grounded.

 

‘Sarah.’ She finally replied. ‘I need your help.’

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Beth needed her help.

 

With what she wasn’t sure, she’d barely waited for her to tell her where she was before she left, but she needed her help. As soon as she had asked her all thoughts of her ordeal at the police station left her.  Beth needed her help.   

 

She made her way to the other woman quickly, as her mind kept recalling the obvious distress in the other woman’s voice, wondering just what she could help her with that her cop buddies couldn’t.

 

Of course, the fact that Beth asked her could just have been out of convenience,  that she happened to be the first person she spoke to, but it didn’t feel like that was the case. Or maybe she was just imagining some connection between them because of the genetic identical thing. Maybe Beth acted that way with all of them

 

God, she hoped she wasn’t imagining it.

 

As she approached her eyes focussed on the other woman. It was still odd, seeing her there, so similar yet different. Just from looking at her she could see how different they really were. She was standing with her hands braced against the front of the car, her entire frame tense and she visibly struggled to control her breathing.

 

‘Beth.’ She called softly, not wanting to scare her, as she came to stand behind her.

 

Beth took a deep breath before turning to face her, still not meeting Sarah’s eyes. Sarah’s heart squeezed at the pain and worry etched onto the  other woman’s face, the tear tracks on her face, but had no idea what she could do to help her.

 

‘What’s wrong? You said you needed help, yeah? Well here I am, what d’you need?’ She said as she rested her hand on her bicep, unsure how else to comfort her. Beth finally met her eyes, words seemingly caught in her throat, but as she looked away again, Sarah finally took the time to take in her surroundings.

 

There was a fucking bullet hole in her windshield. Shit. What the fuck had happened here? Why the hell was there a bloody bullet hole? No wonder Beth was shaken up. Not for the first time that day she was left wondering what the bloody hell she had got herself mixed up in.

 

She moved to inspect the car more closely, looking for any other damage. Finding nothing more she turned back to Beth who in turn took her hand and lead her to the rear of the car. Sarah took her time looking again, there was obviously something that she wasn’t seeing.

 

As she turned to Beth again, she finally saw it, just barely out of the corner of her eye. She stared, panic raising in her chest. There was a dead body. In Beth’s car. There was a dead body in the back seat of Beth’s car.

 

She heard Beth begin to cry as she stood stock still, trying to comprehend what the hell she was seeing.

 

‘I didn’t kill her.’ Beth chocked out from beside her. Well that answered that question, after that morning it’s not like she didn’t know Beth had shot someone before.

 

‘Then why haven’t you called the police?’ She questioned.

 

‘Look at this, at her, Sarah!’ She exclaimed. ‘How on earth would I even begin to explain this looks? There’s a dead body in my car who looks exactly like me.’

 

‘wha…’

‘She’s one of us Sarah. German. She was here to give us information and now she’s dead.’ Sarah brought her rather abruptly into a hug, hoping that physical contact would help keep her calm. They were in deep shit and she couldn’t afford. Beth reacted immediately, burrowing her head into Sarah’s shoulder, a quiet refrain of ‘She’s dead’ passing her lips, as if she were trying to make the information sink in.

 

As she held her, Sarah didn’t try to tell her that it would be alright. She didn’t want to lie to the other woman, yes she’d got herself out of some scrapes in the past but none as bad as this. She just stood, cradling her gently as she tried to decide what to do next. What the hell were they going to do next?

She doesn’t know how long they stood there before they were interrupted, Beth didn’t seemed phased by the ringing noise coming from her pocket but it pulled Sarah from her thoughts. She reached into Beth’s pocket to answer the phone. She’d already fooled a group of people into believing she was her today, what was one more.

 

‘Yeah.’ She answered abruptly, trying her best to mimic Beth, hoping like hell that they couldn’t hear a difference.

 

‘Beth. Did you meet the German? Get the samples?’ The voice on the other end asked. She knew about the German, she must be one of the others that Beth mentioned. One of them.

 

‘German’s dead’

 

‘Wha…how?’

 

‘Somebody shot her! And now there’s a dead body to get rid. What the hell do I do?’

 

‘I don’t know. You’re a cop, like, buy a shovel’

 

‘Buy a shovel’ Sarah repeated bitterly ‘is that all you’ve got’ she continued, realising too late that she’d let the accent slip.

 

‘You’re not Beth.’ The voice stated coldly, ‘where’s Beth? What have you done with her?’

 

‘Whoa, whoa, whoa,’ she shouted in the phone ‘Beth’s fine.’ She stressed ‘She’s right here, just a little shaken.’ That was the understatement of the century, Beth looked like she was on the brink of a full scale mental breakdown, still muttering to herself, face pressed into Sarah’s shoulder.

 

‘Can you put her on?’

 

Sarah sighed. She honestly didn’t know if she should, Beth seemed out of it as was, she didn’t want to distress her further. ‘I just need to know she’s okay.’ The voice continued, as if sensing the reason for her hesitation.

 

‘Just, hold on a sec, yeah? I’ll put her on.’ Sarah pulled away from Beth slightly who seemed reluctant to let her get too far away.

 

‘Beth?’ She asked hesitantly as placed her hand under the other woman’s chin, turning her face towards her. ‘Someone wants to talk to you.’

 

‘Who is it?’ Beth asked as she cautiously reached for the phone.

 

Sarah shrugged ‘it’s your phone,’ she supplied in place of a real answer.

 

Beth stepped away from her as she took the phone and held it to her ear. ‘Cosima’ she breathed into the phone, before began talking so softly that Sarah could barely make out any of what she was saying.

 

She began to think through what they would have to do next in order to keep this quiet. She’d have to deal with the car first, the windshield at least. Or maybe not, find a place nearby to hide the body, get rid of it then clean car properly. There, she had a game plan. Good.

 

Where the fuck could she hide a body? Maybe she would have to buy a bloody shovel. Maybe Beth knew where to hide a body. Maybe Felix knew where to hide a body. No, she couldn’t bring him into this. Fuck, she had to hide a body.

  

* * *

 

 

The past few hours had passed in a blur for Beth. First, Sarah shows up, the next thing she knows she’s sitting in her car, watching as Sarah digs a hole in the forest floor. She doesn’t want to think of it as what it really is, a shallow grave for their fallen sister. A shallow grave for the woman who could have so easily been her.

 

Instead, she watches Sarah work. Watching the muscles in her should and back move beneath her tank top as she digs. Wondering if she should really be helping, but not wanting to move.

 

She still had to find some way to get the briefcase before whoever had it out for them got it, but she knew that that was probably going to be easier said than done. Nothing about this whole thing was easy. They’d searched  her body before moving it from the car and had found her hotel key, so they knew where to start looking, at least, but this whole thing had trouble written all over it.

 

She wondered how Sarah was so calm. She’d only known about everything for a couple of days but she was taking everything in her stride. It made her wonder just what sort of shit Sarah had had to deal with in the past that she could be so composed.

 

Then again, she hardly knew the woman, maybe she was just as scared shitless as she was.

 

As they got back into the car to leave, she knew that she’d have plenty of time to find out, because really, their work was just beginning. It was going to be a long night.


	4. It's harder than we first thought, I believe you're the antidote

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for drug use/addiction because I forgot to put that before.

They’d been awake all night. It was nearly dawn by the time they’d managed to clean the car up. Well, Beth thought, Sarah had cleaned the car up.  God knows how she found a place to do that.

Sarah had done everything. Taken care of the body, the car, hell she’d even taken care of her. She’d tried to help, she was a cop for God’s sake, and she was supposed to be able to respond well to stress, she was trained to be better than the pathetic shell of a person that she’d become.

They’d returned to her townhouse in silence, Beth didn’t know if there was anything she would say to the woman who had literally just helped her hide a body.Sarah led her slowly to the couch, before settling beside her. The silence between them thick with the understanding that they were well and truly in this together now, for better or worse they were in this until the end.

‘I didn’t even get the briefcase’

‘Well, we got her room key so we’ll get it, okay?’ Sarah huffed beside her, ‘just get some sleep, yeah? We’ll put this behind us an’ deal with it tomorrow.’ Before rising and making her way to the bathroom. Beth hoped absently that she hadn’t left any blood on the couch as she lay down in the space Sarah had left.

Through her tired haze, Beth decided that the promise of tomorrow was poetic. Symbolic yet ultimately meaningless. She liked the idea of tomorrow because it never comes, not really, but the promise that it can get better, that the illusive tomorrow will finally come is enough to make people keep moving on through their lives.

She’d thought that she was done with that empty promise, that things were never going to get better, but at that moment even with everything that had happened in the past few days, weeks, months even seemed insignificant. Watching Sarah who was so full of life, who was fighting for her better tomorrow, Sarah who had already saved her in more ways than one, a better tomorrow didn’t feel so much like a promise but an inevitability.

And she knew that she’d have to fight for it. That it wasn’t going to be easy. Sarah wasn’t going to make her magically better. She knew this. But, for the first time in a long time, she knew that she could fight, would fight and actually believed that she could win.

 

* * *

 

She had a plan. Okay, so it wasn’t a great plan in fact, by all accounts it was bloody stupid but it was the best they had. They needed to get that briefcase before anyone else got their hands on it and Sarah figured that if she could be Beth she could be the German, they had the same face after all, and how hard could a German accent be?She just had to figure out how to pull it off. She didn’t want to cut all her hair off, so she had that to deal with, a hat maybe? Beth’s clothes were not going to cut it, she needed something more ostentatious. The devil’s in the details and they really needed to not get caught. Maybe Felix had something she could use?

She heard Beth stir, time for planning was up, it seemed.

 ‘Mornin’,’ she said, drawing attention to herself. She didn’t want Beth to think she’d skipped out on her again.

 ‘Yeah, it is isn’t it?’ Beth said as she sat up, combing a hand through her hair.

 ‘So…’ Sarah said, ‘I’ve got a plan. To get the briefcase, I mean.’ No need to beat around the bush.

 ‘Let’s hear it’

 ‘Okay, so long story short, I had to be you yesterday. Don’t even ask’ she added before Beth could even start to respond. ‘Just, if your partner calls an’ asks if you’re alright today, jus’ go with it, okay? I’ll explain properly later’

‘Okay…’ Beth agreed hesitantly ‘But what does this have to do with the briefcase?’

‘Simple. I pretend to be her and go and get it.’

‘But that’s fraud’ Not able to contain the police officer in her, obviously.

‘We hid a dead body yesterday!’

She watched Beth as that sunk in. If she were being honest, she still couldn’t quite believe it either, and she’d done some shit in her time.But still, nothing quite like that. She hoped she’d never have to do anything like that again.

The longer that Beth sat there in silence, the more nervous Sarah became, doubt beginning to claw away at her chest. Maybe the idea really was as idiotic as she thought it was. Maybe Beth didn’t think she could pull it off, or worse, didn’t trust her to.

The silence hung thickly between them, Beth’s deliberation creating an almost tangible presence, neither of them moving, neither knowing how to break the spell.

Beth turned towards her, slowly, carefully.

‘Okay. So what do we have to do?’

 

* * *

 

The game was on, but that didn’t mean she was ready for it. She still had so much that she needed to do if she was actually going to pull it off. A German accent wasn’t going to just happen.

She made her way to Felix’s loft, hoping that he had clothes that could help her out. And besides, she needed to talk to him, had promised to talk to him, to not disappear and since she’d been back, even if it had only been a couple of days, she hadn’t exactly been forthcoming with information about what she’d been up to; and something about that didn’t sit right with her.

He was her brother, he should know things about her life. She didn’t like keeping thing secret from him if she can help it. They’d always been it in together, family, even if she didn’t act like it sometimes. She didn’t want that to change.

She needed this one thing in her life not to change.

‘Oi, oi!’ she shouted as she entered the flat, immediately moving towards his clothes. ‘Fe?’

‘Oh. It’s you’

‘Ouch, Fe. That hurts.’

‘Well, after the visit I had from Vic earlier, I can’t be too careful.’

Vic had been there? That bastard just couldn’t take a hint.

 ‘Shit, Fe. I am so sorry. You okay? He didn’t try anything?’

‘Well it wasn’t me he was lookin’ for, was it? Pissed off sharpish when he realised I wasn’t actually hiding you, my dear sister. Course I may have had to knock it into him. Like talking to a brick wall, that one.

‘Sarah’ He said, his tone softening, real concern for her welfare shining through, ‘Just watch out for Vic, yeah?’

She stilled as the weight of Felix’s concern settled over her. She’d missed it, having someone who cared about her.

‘Ah, Fe you do care,’ She mocked, trying to shake off the sentimentality that had taken hold of her   as she resumed rifling through his clothes.

Well I wouldn’t be happy if you died, so.’ Thankfully he got the message.

He sat down, watching as she continued in her search. ‘What are you doing?’

That was the question, wasn’t it? How on earth could she even begin to explain this?

‘Shit’s getting real, Fe.’ She exhaled. ‘When did everything get this complicated?’

‘You know I have no idea what you’re going on about?’

‘I just… Shit.’ She wanted to tell him. She had to tell him. ‘I’m just gonna tell you, but you have to keep your mouth shut, got it? You can’t tell no one, not even Mrs S.’ God what was she thinking, ‘Especially Mrs S, yeah.’

 ‘Cut the dramatics, Sarah. It doesn’t suit you.’

Okay, so he really wanted to know. ‘I saw a woman try to kill herself, the other night, at the station.’

‘Ew, a jumper.’

‘I said try, Fe. She didn’t actually do it.’

‘Oh. Well. What about it then?’

‘This woman, she looked… she looked exactly like me.’

Floppy hat and fur vest. That could work.

‘Really? You really expect me to believe that.’

‘I’m not fucking with you,’

‘Prove it’

‘I’m not lying,’

Sunglasses. Perfect.

‘Whatever you say Sarah’

She turned to face him, sliding the sunglasses into place. ‘Can I borrow these?’

'What for? You’ll look like a right pillock.’

Like that really mattered.

‘What else, Fe? Still a hustler.’ She replied, as she put the finishing touches to the outfit and made to leave.

‘You actually look quite hot.’

‘Later, Fe.’

Operation: Katja Obinger, was a go.

 

* * *

 

 

After having a surprisingly hard time finding something flamboyant enough to wear to at least try and look like Katja, she made her way to the hotel.

The closer she got, the more she had to try and hold her nerve. She couldn’t afford to freak, even if it was seeming like an increasingly bad idea.

They needed that briefcase. Even if she had no idea what could possibly be in it, or what they needed it for. Beth thought it was important and apparently that’s all it took for her to get on board.

But still, she was allowed to be nervous. Beth wasn’t the one who actually had to pull it off.

Sarah steeled herself as she began to walk across the hotel lobby, trying to contain her rising panic as she noticed the hotel receptionists trying to get her attention. Trying to wave her, wave Katja, over. Now was not the time for panic.

She slumped against the lift wall. This was more stress than she’d anticipated and probably more trouble than it was worth. She hadn’t signed up for this shit but she couldn’t see a way out. She wasn’t even sure she really wanted a way out.

She was fucked.

Moving out of the elevator, she made her way towards the room. It was simple, get in, she’d already done that, now she just needed to get the briefcase and get out. Then she, they could put this, put Katja behind them and move on. They could try to forget.

She was not prepared for the scene that greeted her behind the door.

‘Bloody Hell.’ Someone had gotten there before her that much was evident as she took in the state of the room.

‘Fuck,’ she breathed as she began to pick through the mess in front of her, hoping in vain that the briefcase was still there.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket, dialling quickly. Beth answered on the first ring. Good, maybe she’d know what to do now.

‘It’s not here,’ she said as calmly as she could.

‘What do you mean it’s not there?’

‘I mean the bloody briefcase in’t in the bloody room!’

She exhaled quickly, trying to expel the anger rising in her chest and calm herself. The anger wouldn’t help anyone and Beth didn’t deserve it.

‘Room’s been trashed too. Looks like someone got here before us.’

‘Shit.’ Beth exhaled from the other end of the line. ‘Shit’

 ‘Shit is right. But now what?’

 ‘Now? Now nothing. Get out of there, don’t hang around it’s too dangerous. Whoever was there before us must have known that we’d come looking. They may still be watching the hotel.’

And she couldn’t have mentioned that before she went in.

‘Shit. Okay, yeah. I’m… I’ll catch you later, yeah?’

As she hung up the phone she did a final sweep of the room, just to make sure she hadn’t missed anything. That’s when she saw it.

A decapitated Barbie doll. On top of a Bible

That was just perfect. They were dealing with a fucking psycho. Great. That was bound to lead to oodles of fun. They couldn’t just be dealing with your garden variety murderer could they? Not even that could be simple.

Giving the room one final once over, eyes again coming to rest on the doll, she decided it was time to get the hell out of there. She could deal with the implications of that later.

She’d forgotten about the hotel staff that had tried to flag her down until she was being escorted to the hotel desk. It was really not part of the plan. But the plan had been blown to hell well before this.

She just needed to keep her cool.

‘Miss Obinger?’

Okay. Showtime.

‘We’d like to talk to you about the damage to your room.’

Shit. Just play it cool. They don’t suspect a thing.

‘Vy were you in my room?’

‘We’d had some noise complaints from other guests, we went to investigate.’

Okay that actually made sense, but still.

‘Miss Obinger, why damage your room like that?’

‘Rock and Roll.’

‘Rock and Roll? The sink was torn from the wall’

Ha. Really? She hadn’t noticed that. Apparently she was dealing with a freakishly strong murderous psychopath. Things just keep getting better.

‘I vill pay for ze damage and vould like to check out now.’ She thanked God that she’s bought Katja’s credit cards as she handed one over. Now she just had to hope that they were accepted.

She stood with bated breath as she waited for the transaction to clear. She really needed it to go through.

She tried to contain her elated surprise as he handed her back the card. She was in the clear. She could finally get the hell out of there.

‘Miss Obinger?’

Apparently not.

‘Your Bag.’

Bag? What bag?

She turned again to face the counter, schooling her expression, trying to contain the smile that threatened to emerge at the sight of the silver briefcase sitting on the desk. It seemed that this whole mission wasn’t a failure after all.

‘Of course.’ She said as she picked up the case. ‘Danke.’

And with that, she was gone.

 

* * *

 

Paul was there.

Sarah had left, and Art had rung and rung and stopped ringing and then Paul was there.

Why was Paul there? He wasn’t supposed to be back yet. Wasn’t she supposed to have another day?

She’d thought that she had the strength needed to fight, and when Sarah was there, it was almost like she did. She had the motivation, at least. But with Paul it was different. She was different when he was there.

Paul was a reminder of everything that was wrong with her life. Even before she got into the whole cloning thing, he’d been there. A parasite, draining the life, draining the love from her. And she didn’t know how to make it stop. How to stop caring. She needed to make it stop, but he just wouldn’t leave.

 But he wasn’t there either. Not really. He never really had been.

He wasn’t staying. For now, he was going to give her some space, but still there he was checking up on her, checking in when they’d only been apart a couple of days.

Never too close, never too far. A familiar pattern for them.

It’s the way he’d always been.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t shake the paranoia. That sinking feeling in her gut that told her he was up to something.

If he hadn’t been sent to watch her, what was he doing there? What was keeping him there? If he actually cared he’d see what he, what his pretence was doing to her. It was killing her, hell, it almost had and she didn’t know how much more of it she could take.

Why wouldn’t he just let her be?

How did he really expect her to believe that that was really how lovers acted towards each other, that what they had together was how a relationship was supposed to be? For so long she’d thought that she was the problem, that the faults that she saw were her fault but now she knew the truth. She was drowning in his bullshit. She knew this and yet she still couldn’t pull herself out. She wouldn’t. Not until she had answers.

‘How was the hearing,’ He asked. ‘I know you’ve been under a lot of stress recently.’

He really had no idea.

She’d forgotten about the hearing; that must have been what Sarah was talking about earlier, when she was talking about Art. She hadn’t thought she’d mentioned him. Although, now she was intrigued as to how Sarah had handled that meeting. She guessed she’d just have to ask.

‘It was fine.’ For all she knew, it was.

And then, as quickly as he appeared, he was gone. Never spending too much time together if he could help it. Never too close. Never too far. Always too much.

She walked to the bathroom and reached immediately for her medicine cabinet. It didn’t matter what she took, any would help, she just needed something to dull the ache that Paul always left behind him.

The thing that got her was that he asked like he cared. That’s what hurt the most. That in moments like that she could almost fall for his lies all over again. It would be easy. She could just pretend, forget everything that she’d learnt and just carry on for the rest of her life with Paul. She’d fallen for them once before happily, what was to say that she couldn’t again.

Absolutely nothing , apart from the knowledge that if she let herself it would destroy her completely.

Her phone beeped from where she had left it, pulling her from the thoughts that would only aid in her destruction.

_Got the Briefcase_

 Sarah.  She didn’t know what she’d done to deserve her but she was glad for her. She was always saving her.  But she couldn’t let herself think about it for too long, Sarah had the case. There was work to be done.


	5. There Once Was an Answer Tied to a Bottle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this has taken forever and I’m really sorry about that but I kinda went off on a soccer cop tangent, like a really big one that is still happening a little bit , these past few weeks so yeah this took a while to actually force from my brain. Also I had a little trouble trying to figure out how this would actually go and then even more trouble bringing myself to write it, (seriously It’s taken a month) I'm not really happy with it but hopefully it’s okay. Tw: addiction, suicide attempt.

Relief flooded through her as she left the police station. She had to wait a couple of days to find out if she’d be reinstated, but she hadn’t been arrested for murder right then and there, so that at least was a weight off her mind. Whether she was reinstated or not she’d gotten away with it.

In the grand scheme of things that’s all that really mattered. She could still protect them. That’s what was important. The guilt about the shooting, about the lies, about involving Art in the whole mess, that still pooled in her stomach didn’t matter. She had bigger things to worry about and now that they had the briefcase there was so much she needed to do.

She’d set up a meeting with the others. It was beyond time that they met Sarah, she’d done so much for them already and they didn’t even know she existed. Well, Cosima had spoken to her on the phone that one time, but Alison, she had no clue and Beth had no idea how she would react. Probably with hostility. She always did when it came to clone business and Sarah didn’t exactly fit into her ideas of acceptable company.

Sarah didn’t exactly fall into Beth’s idea of acceptable company either, but  she'd helped whether Alison liked it or not they were in it together.

When she got home Sarah was there waiting for her, briefcase sitting right on the table in front of her. God knows how she got inside but then she couldn’t say she was surprised either. Of course Sarah would be able to get in.

‘I hope whatever’s in this bloody thing is worth it.’ Sarah said with a wry smile.

Beth nodded as she moved further into the house, moving to change her clothes before they set off. Needing to put the reminders of the hearing behind her. Hoping that that the change would help her shed the guilt.

The guilt didn't matter, it was natural, she'd killed a person but it was necessary. She'd done it to protect them. Maggie Chen wanted them dead, she knew that. She wouldn't have hesitated to kill any of them and Beth had just done what she needed to. . She just had to keep reminding herself of that and maybe someday she’d believe it.

 

* * *

 

 

The ride out to wherever Beth was taking her was mostly silent, neither sure what to say, both nervous as to how this meeting would go.

‘The suburbs.’ Sarah broke the silence as they parked, ‘you brought me to the bloody suburbs. You’re kiddin’, yeah?’

Beth made no reply other than a sharp exhale and shake of her head. ‘We should go.’ She said as she opened the door, ‘they’ll be waiting for us.’ She didn’t wait for confirmation that Sarah was following before she followed the path to one of the houses, making her way into her yard and to the door.

She waited for Sarah to catch up, briefcase in hand, before knocking the door. Here it was. Make it or break it time.

The door opened, and Sarah once again had to contain her surprise at seeing one of them. She didn’t know if she’d ever get used to that.

‘Beth.’ Alison greeted, her eyes briefly falling on Sarah, her disdain evident before looking away, completely ignoring her as she opened the door to them and turned to enter the house.

 'Alison.’

 ‘Come in.’ She said as she walked away.

They didn’t linger outside any longer, lest someone see them. God knows how they’d explain it to Alison’s neighbours if anyone one saw them. As she looked past Beth into the room she could see the other one of them was already there, perched on the edge of the couch, looking right at them.

‘Shut it. Lock it.’ Alison barked as they made their way further into the room not even turning to face them. ‘Beth, can I speak to you for a minute. Please’ Alison commanded as she walked towards another room. Beth followed without a word.

Sarah sat herself down next to the other woman in silence, setting the case down near her feet, not sure what else to do. She’d been hoping that Beth would take the lead on this. She at least knew the others, after all. She didn’t even really know why they’d come here.

‘Hi. I’m Cosima.’ The other said after a moment of silence with a small wave. ‘We spoke on the phone.’

‘Right.’ Sarah said as she let her eyes fall on the woman next to her and was once again silenced by the similarities between them. How the hell was she supposed to deal with this?

‘You know you get used to it.’ Cosima said, as if answering her thoughts.

‘Really? Somehow I doubt that.’

Sarah slumped back against the couch as they waited for the other two to re-join them, hoping that Cosima was right and that someday soon she could forget just how not normal the entire situation was.

 

* * *

 

Alison rounded on her as soon as she shut the door. ‘What were you thinking Beth, bringing someone like her into this?’

‘Someone like her, Alison? She’s one of us whether we like it or not, that makes her involved. And anyway, I was thinking that she could help us Alison. Help me.’

‘I can help you Beth!’

‘You told me to stay away. You said you didn’t want to hear it. That unless it involved your family, I should stay away. Or are you forgetting that, Alison.’

‘That never stopped you from ringing before.’

Memories of desperate, usually drugged fuelled late night phone call flashed through Beth’s mind. Not that there had been many, but enough. Every single one had been ignored.

‘Yeah, well maybe I finally got the message.’

Beth was surprised at the angry bitterness in her tone. She and Alison had never been close. Beth hoping to maintain some sort of semblance of professionalism, Alison choosing to stay as far away as she possibly could for the sake of her children. She couldn’t blame her, she wouldn’t want her family within a hundred miles of this mess either. She would have done exactly the same thing and she knew it, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt that she didn’t want to help her. Didn’t want to know her. Even if it wasn’t personal. If she would have done it to any one of them that contacted her. It still hurt.

She took a deep breath before she continued, ‘Look, Alison, I need more than just money as help if I’m going to keep us safe. And she has. Helped, I mean.’

Alison stared at her, her incredulity plain to see. ‘You know what.’ She said shaking her head slightly, ‘Do what you want, Beth. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.’

They walked back out into the other room to find Cosima and Sarah sitting in silence side by side. Sarah’s sitting up from her slouched position and leaning forward, mirroring Cosima next to her. No matter how different they were, no matter how hard she tried to forget, there were always things like that that reminded her that they really were clones. It was their inescapable truth.

Beth sat on the chair opposite to the other two as Alison began to pace about behind her, her arms wrapped around her stomach.

‘So.’ Beth started after a few moments of silence, ‘We need to figure out where we go from here. ‘

‘I don’t care as long as you keep it away from my life. From my family, my children.’ Alison said as she moved into Beth’s field of vision facing all three of them. ‘I will not have them involved in this god damn experiment.’

She wasn’t surprised. Alison had said this so often to her that the statement was redundant. Although, Beth guessed that it probably wasn’t said for her benefit but for the new perceived threat to her family life sat on her couch.

‘I second that. I wanna keep this as far away as possible from my daughter, yeah?’

Now that she had not been expecting.

Sarah had a daughter? Sarah was a mother? She didn’t know what to do with this information. A wave of melancholic envy running through her, battling her overwhelming surprise. Sarah had a kid. A child. She thought they couldn’t had kids. Resigned herself to it. She couldn’t. Alison couldn’t. Why was Sarah any different?

Swallowing her emotions, she resolved to sort through her own feelings later. Pushing away the memories, of stress at work, of choked sobs in the doctor’s office, Paul’s arms around her on that afternoon not too long ago. She hadn’t know that she wanted children until she was told she couldn’t have one. Right now though that didn’t matter. Now wasn’t the time for an outburst. Now wasn’t the time.

She looked to the others to see how to react. To see how they were reacting.

The surprise was evident on both their faces, Cosima’s curious where Alison’s was soft. Her entire posture had lost most of the edge of hostility that it had been carrying only moments before.

‘You have a child?’ Alison asked, beating them to the punch.

‘That’s what I just said, weren’ it’

‘No like, you had a child. That you gave birth to?’ Cosima continued the questioning.

‘Yeah? Why are you lookin’ at me like I’ve grown an extra head or something? Alison’s got kids too.’ Apparently they’d all been staring, not just her. That made her feel marginally better.

‘Adopted.’ Alison supplied quickly, ‘I thought we couldn’t have kids.’ Alison said, turning to Cosima.

‘So did I. with you and Beth both unable to conceive, I just assumed. ’ Her voice raising with excitement. ‘It’s unprecedented’

‘I don’t care about that.’ Sarah interjected. ‘She stays out of it, okay?’

‘Yeah. Yeah. Kids stay well away.’

She needed to change the subject. Needed to distract herself from this new information until she could process it. It wasn’t the time.

‘Can you work with what you’ve got, Cosima?’ Beth asked.

Picking up the case, Cosima peered inside. ‘Yeah. Yeah, totally. This should be more than enough to get me going.’

‘Well then that’s that. We keep our heads low and I’ll keep a look out at work for any signs of trouble until we need to figure out our next move.’

Keep an eye out. Keep on top of things in case Katja’s body makes an appearance. At least on the inside she’d be able to try to control the situation.

‘There’s someone outside.’ Alison interjected before Beth could continue, moving swiftly towards the doors, gun pulled out from god knows where and outside before any of them had even processed what she’d said.

Moving quickly, they followed her out to find her, gun pulled, and before Beth could even register what was happening, Sarah was stood, hands raised, in between Alison and the man across from her. Why was Sarah protecting this guy?

‘Whoa, whoa, whoa, put the gun down.’ Sarah said, her teeth gritted. ‘Look, he’s my brother, okay? Put the gun down.’

Wait Sarah had a brother?

As Alison slowly lowered the gun, Sarah sprang forward, her palm solidly connecting with Alison’s cheek.

‘Don’t you ever threaten my brother again.’ She warned as Alison’s hand rose to cradle her own cheek in disbelief.

The three of them could only watch as Sarah pulled him out of the garden and away from the house. ‘I’ll see you later, Beth.’ thrown over her shoulder as she walked away. An afterthought.

* * *

 

 ‘You following me now, Fe?’ Sarah said soon as they had entered his loft.

 ‘What is going on, Sarah? Those women…’

 ‘I don’t need you to babysit me, yeah?’

 ‘I’m just trying to make sure you keep out of trouble this time, my dear sister. Or were you not serious about wanting Kira back.’

 ‘No don’t look at me like that. You don’t get to say that after I tried to tell you what’s going on already and you laughed at me.’

 ‘When did I…’

 ‘I saw a woman try to kill herself and she looked exactly like me.’

 ‘Oh. Right. Well obviously now I know you were telling the truth.’

 ‘Nice to know you got so much faith in me, Fe.’

 Sarah moved to slump down on the couch, Felix coming to rest tentatively besides her. ‘So…’ He started.

 ‘Clones.’ She wasn’t going to lie to him. He was her brother and if he wanted to know she was going to tell him.

 ‘Oh come on Sarah. You seriously expect me to believe that.’

 ‘You saw them, Fe. You really think I’m kidding.’

 ‘And you’re sure they’re not just your long lost sisters or something.’

 Turning towards him she looked at him with as much exasperation as she could muster through her exhaustion. The last few days finally catching up with her.

 ‘Okay so clones.’

 ‘Yeah, clones.’

 ‘So how’s that work? What’s it mean? What are you doing with the others…’

 ‘I don’t really know, Fe. I think that’s what we’re trying to work out. I jus’ shit got real serious, real quick but I have to stick with it, yeah.’ It may not be the magical family she’d imagined when she was a kid, but this was her chance to find out where she came from. She couldn’t pass that up.

 ‘You understand why I can’t just run from this.’

 ‘Of course I do. It’s just… clones, Sarah. I don’t know what to do with that information ‘

 ‘I don’t know what to tell you. I… it’s…’ She threw her head back in frustration and rested it against the back of the couch as she searched for the words to try and explain any of it. While fighting to find the words, she realised that there was someone who could explain in better. The same person who’d explained it to her. So she’d take Felix to Beth, she could help. After all, she’d meant it when she said she’d see her later.

 

* * *

 

Sarah had a brother. Sarah had a daughter. Sarah had a family. Sarah wasn’t alone like she was. Sarah didn’t need her.

Sat on her couch, drink in hand, the night’s revelations repeating again and again in her mind. Sarah had a family and she knew that she couldn’t begrudge her that, but Alison had a family too and look where that got her. Alison stayed away to make sure her family was safe, what was to say that Sarah wouldn’t?

Her family had to be more important to her than some woman she’d met at a train station, even if they were clones. They’d been through so much together in the past few days and they were still virtual strangers.

She didn’t know why the idea of another one of them, of Sarah not wanting to know her hurt so much, but the idea that she may make the same decision as Alison had tears welling in her eyes.

One pill, two. Just to take the edge off. Maybe if the edges were soft it wouldn’t hurt so much. Maybe the numbness would be better than burning in her eyes, the aching in her chest.

Sarah had a daughter. A living, breathing daughter that she’d given birth to. Even through the encroaching numbness she could feel the pangs of jealousy. She hadn’t wanted children. She hadn’t. Not until she couldn’t have them. In the months after that day she’d resigned herself to that reality but here was Sarah and she had a daughter. Her own family. And Beth envied her.

Another glass of whiskey, another pill, another two, three, four, five, until she’d lost count. It didn’t matter. Who did she have? No family, not like Sarah. Not like anyone would miss her. She doubted that even Paul would care, would notice all that much and he was supposed to love her.

A bitter laugh escaped her at that thought. Love? It seemed like most of the time he could barely tolerate her. Hell, most of the time he wasn’t even there. What kind of relationship was that? He obviously didn’t want to be there so what was keeping him?

She knocked back the last of her glass and lay down on the couch, as the waves of tiredness washed over her. Her limbs becoming heavy.

Maybe it would be better now.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Worry About the Past, Fear for the Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This has taken so long because I’m literal trash and got really distracted by the soccer cop fic I’m writing over on tumblr so sorry for that. I am still working on this I promise. Just slowly.   
> Also this has in no way been proof-read and may not in fact actually be readable so there’s that. But anyway, enjoy.

 

They couldn’t take her to the hospital.

 

She wouldn’t have wanted to go, her weak protestations still echoing in Sarah’s ears hours later. As much as she’d wanted to, just to make sure she would be okay, or alive at least, it was in no way the smart thing to do. They couldn’t risk exposing themselves like that. She’d been barely conscious by the time they found her. God knows how many of those pills she’d taken, and Sarah knows that it was a miracle that she’d survived. If they’d got there any later, well.

 

She should never left her alone. Should have known that it was a possibility. That was how they’d met after all. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise that she’d try again but the thought hadn’t crossed her mind, too wrapped up in how she was going to explain everything to Felix to give Beth a second thought. But still as she sat by Beth’s bedside because no one questions if you’re family when you’ve got the same face, she couldn't help but beat herself up about it. Like she could have stopped her sooner, stopped her altogether if she’d paid more attention to her and less to Felix.

 

She squeezed her eyes shut as incoherent memories wash over her. She didn’t need to know, didn’t want, didn’t need to remember how she got from Beth’s living room to Felix’s loft.  Beth was asleep. She’d woken up, albeit briefly; but she’d woken up and Sarah couldn’t help but be thankful for that. They could get her checked over by a doctor later but it had been too easy to believe that she actually had died when she hadn’t seen her move.

 

 She could process later, right now she needed to keep it together. A breakdown wasn’t going to help any of them. They needed someone there, being Beth, living her life, making sure that anything official keeps off of their backs. For the time being, her being Beth was more useful to them. There was so much that she could do that Sarah couldn’t to make sure that everything stays buried.

 

But still, she wouldn’t have to do it forever. Couldn’t do it forever. Beth would get better, physically at least.  Eventually she would.

 

'You okay?' Felix's asked, his voice cutting through the near silence of the room.

 

‘Yeah.’ She answered, turning her face to him as she spoke. ‘Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just…’ She shook her head as she lowered her eyes to the bed once again, unable to verbalise the ache in her chest. Beth wasn’t her but still she was and it hurt to think about. That could be her. In another life, if everything had been different, she could have been the one lying in that bed.

 

Felix didn’t push for her to continue.

 

She checked the time as pushed herself up from her position next to Beth, it was time for her to go. She paused, next to Felix on her way out, hand resting on his shoulder as she spoke, ‘Look after her, yeah?’

 

“Yeah.” He replied with a slight nod and Sarah relaxed at the reassurance, even if it did go without saying.

 

* * *

 

 

She hadn’t been in the station ten minutes before she was being dragged out by Beth’s partner, a gun shoved unceremoniously into her hands. Shit. She’d never fired a gun in her life. How was she supposed to do this?

 

She stumbled into the bathroom gun and holster in hand as she tried to figure out how to put them on. Why did she think that this was a good idea again?

 

Having finally figured out how the holster worked she made her way out of the room.  ‘You done messing around?’ Art asked. She nodded despite the deep feeling of dread building deep in her stomach. Everything would be okay. It was just until Beth was okay. She could do it.

 

‘Let’s go.’

 

Art tried to maintain some sort of conversation on the way to wherever it was that they were going, filling her in on the particulars of whatever they were doing, not that she could understand any of the code he was speaking in.

 

The feeling of dread once again rose in the pit of her stomach as she saw where they had pulled in. The same place that she and Beth, but mainly her had buried a body. This was bad. This was beyond bad. Shit.

 

She tried to hang back, dragging her feet as Art strode towards the crime scene. She hears the ‘body’ and ‘gravel crusher’ and knows that she is so out of her depth. This was just perfect.

 

‘What’s that sound like to you?’ Art asked as he turned back to face her.

 

‘Sounds like some idiot didn’t realize they were burying a body next to an active quarry.’ She replied with a wry smile, even as the panic rose in her chest. How the fuck did she not realize that it was an active quarry. This was just what they needed, more to worry about and shit, would the prints flag a match?

 

‘I just have to make a quick call.’ She said as he excused herself from the others for a moment, trying to keep calm. She couldn’t afford to lose it, couldn’t let on to Art, to the others that anything was wrong; it wouldn’t do her any good anyway.

 

‘Cosima, I need to know if the prints will match.’ She blurted out as soon as the other woman picked up. ‘They found the body and I need to know if the prints will match.’

 

‘Whoa. Sarah, slow down. What?’

 

‘Katja. The German. They’ve found her body and I need to know if the prints will be a bloody match.’

 

‘Wait are you being Beth? Why are you being Beth?’

 

’Yes I’m being Beth! I’m at the bloody crime scene pretending to be a cop and I need to know if the bloody prints will pull a bloody match.’

 

‘The prints should be close enough, yes.’ She paused. ‘I mean wear and tear, environmental factors can cause slight deviation but yes. Say if one of us had a criminal record…’

 

 

‘Do you have a criminal record?’

 

 ‘Just, you know, petty theft, fraud. Assault.’ You know, little things. Just a small one. She’d never thought that it’d come back to bite her in the ass like that. Crap.

 

‘Okay, well, don’t panic they can’t process that straight away. You’ve got time.’

 

This sort of thing was the reason that she was filling in as Beth, the only reason that she’d even considered it in the first place.  She had time. She just had to keep telling herself that she had time to bury this. But not panicking was easier said than done. Deep breaths.

 

* * *

 

 

‘Cosima, I have no idea how to be a cop.’ another panicked phone call only one day into her as Beth. ‘Art wants me on the range tomorrow and I’ve never even fired a gun.’

 

‘No, but you know someone who can help with that’

 

‘Beth can’t help right now, Cosima.’

 

“Oh yeah? Why not.”

 

‘She just can’t. Okay?’ Sarah exhaled.  She couldn’t let the others know what had happened. Not right now, maybe not ever. 

 

‘Luckily for you it wasn’t Beth who I was referring to, Sarah.’

 

‘The soccer mom? Seriously?’

 

‘Do you know anyone else who can help you?’

 

Sarah inhaled deeply, not wanting to admit that she's her only hope, but after the way things went at her house, Sarah can’t see Alison being too thrilled at the prospect of helping her. Whether she was doing it to help them or not.

 

‘Look, Sarah. You don’t have any other choice. We need you okay. As much as Alison may want to deny it, we really do. So she’ll help okay.’

 

‘Okay.’

 

* * *

 

 

Meeting a virtual stranger in the middle of nowhere was not how she’d seen her day going but she hadn’t anticipated the night at the hospital either and if she took a moment to think about it predictable went out the window the minute she saw Beth on that platform along with normal and safe, apparently.

 

She doesn’t know what Cosima said to get Alison to meet her but there she was, waiting for her.

 

‘You’re late’ Alison said as she climbed from the car.

 

‘Yeah. Sorry. Stuff came up, you know?’

 

“Stuff came up.” Alison huffed, not impressed with her assertion but that’s all Sarah was going to say. She didn’t think Beth would appreciate her telling everyone her personal business. She knows she wouldn’t. “I don’t see why Beth couldn’t do this anyway.”

 

“Beth’s indisposed.” No point moaning about this now. “So let’s get over and done with, yeah.”

 

‘Well that we can agree on.’

 

They fell silent as Alison moved to set up the targets and get their equipment together. Handing Sarah the ear protectors as she readied Beth’s gun.

 

‘Beth taught me how to shoot.’ Alison said after a few minutes of silence. ‘So that I could protect myself and my family, and I am grateful for that. I fail to see how you can help us.’

 

Ouch. Sarah waited for her to continue, to give some indication that she was okay, or that she would help her to at least try to reassure her that she wouldn’t be as awful at it as she feared. She didn’t know why she’d thought that. Alison didn’t know her and obviously didn’t like her and she was okay with that. She didn’t like her either but a little confidence in her ability not to fuck this up for all of them would have been nice as once again the thought of having to try and fill Beth’s shoes filled her with dread.

 

‘Are we doing this or not?’

 

Right. Shooting. Right.

 

For Beth. For them. For all of them. She had to do this to keep them safe. She had to. And as she stepped forward and took aim for the first time, she couldn’t help but wonder when she started to care.

 

-

* * *

 

 

Sarah was in two minds as to whether to go back to the loft to check on Beth before she once again set off for the station. She had time before she was supposed to meet Art to go to the range but she wasn’t sure whether it was a good idea.

 

She sat hunched over the steering wheel of Beth’s car as she tried to make a decision, eventually the clock making it for her, she could worry about Beth later. Felix was looking after her, she’d be oaky while she tried to keep on top of the mess that their lives had become. It was time to face the music, once again.

 

_Well here goes nothing._

-


	7. Damage Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these take ages because I'm actual trash who also happens to be busy with life stuff. I have no idea if any of this makes sense please tell me if there's really stupid mistakes, read and review and all that jazz
> 
> also if you are still reading this thanks for sticking with it because I think it's now literally been a year since the first chapter and I have done up to about s1e3 so this could take a while and I do appreciate it.

“It’s a motorcycle.”

 

“Huh?” Sarah replied as she looked up from the computer to see Art standing in front of her.

 

“Our shooter. They left the scene on a motor cycle, only one set of tracks, and we know what type.”

 

“Good that’s… that’s good. So give me the info and I’ll put out a…” _Shit what’s it called?_

 

“An APB? Already on it. Told them to call you if it gets any hit.” _One less thing to worry about._

 

“Did you get a match on those prints?”

 

“What? No, 24 hours Beth, you know this.”

 

“Yeah.” She breathed with a nod. “We doing this then?”

 

“You bet your ass.”

 

Remembering the technique that Alison taught her wasn’t as hard as Sarah had thought it would be, she only had to be good enough that she wouldn’t arouse suspicion, and Beth had been suspended anyway, she was bound to be out of practice. _No pressure._

 

Confidence flowed through her as she easily hit her target, emptying the clip in no time at all.

 

“Nice” Art lauded as she clicked on the safety. “Good to see you haven’t lost your touch.”

 

She was saved from having to reply as her phone sounded, pulling her attention away. She tried to ignore the fact that Art was watching her as she took the call.

 

“We got a hit on our bike.” She said as she turned back towards the range. “We’ll head out after this.”

 

‘Do we need to call for backup?’

 

She shook her head. “It’s barely worth looking into.”

* * *

 

 

Waking up in unfamiliar surroundings is never a pleasant experience. Beth struggled to sit up as she tried to figure out where she was.

 

Waking up at all was a surprise, waking up god knows where, that was something else entirely.

 

‘Oh, you’re awake.’ Beth startled at the voice from the other side of the room. The person in the chair was familiar, if only vaguely, but it didn’t offer any comfort. She opened her mouth, trying to talk, needing to figure out, to ask what was going on; but the words kept getting stuck in her throat.

 

‘Water.’ She choked out through her cotton mouth. It sounded more like a question than she would have liked, didn’t like the way she had to be helped with the water; didn’t like the vulnerability she could feel seeping through her pores. Still, the water helped. She gulped it down, savouring the feeling.

 

‘Where am I?’ She asked, looking around once more, the proffered cup empty.

 

‘How much do you remember?’

 

‘I…’ Beth shook her head. ‘I was…’ She searched her memory for any clue. _They were at Alison’s? Maybe._ ‘I don’t…’

 

‘Just get some more rest.’  He said with a tight smile ‘or Sarah’ll kick my arse’ she heard him mutter.

_Sarah._ She was with Sarah? She couldn’t see Sarah.

 

Alison’s house.

 

 

Sarah’s brother.

 

‘You’re Sarah’s brother.’

‘Foster brother, yes.’ He said, relieving her of her cup.

 

She settled back into the pillows, resting more easily now she at least had a grasp of who she was with. Sarah wouldn’t leave her with someone she couldn’t trust.

 

It was too important.

 

Sarah knew that. She was sure of it.

 

 

* * *

 

‘My Ukrainian’s a little rusty.’ Sarah laughed as she and Art rounded the building,

 

The lead on the bike was tenuous at best but tenuous was probably for the best. The whole thing was a shit storm coming their way.

_Oh Shit_. _What is it with these fucking dolls?_

The apartment was dark despite the light that shone through the small windows, the smell of damp that could be seen blooming is small patches across the walls and ceilings, filling the air. Shining the light from her small flash light in front of her Sarah trailed behind Art as they moved further into the small space, each of the moving to cover a different section of the room.

_Well that can’t be good._

   

* * *

 

 

‘Sarah and I… we found you. We…‘

_Couldn’t risk going to the hospital,_ Beth finished in her head. ‘That still doesn’t explain where I am.’ She looked around the loft, trying once again to see if she had missed Sarah in the limited space. ‘And where did you say Sarah was again?’  If Sarah was there everything would be okay. For a while at least.

 

* * *

 

 

‘Chase after them! Go! GO!’

 

The gunshot still echoing in her minds she set off on shaky feet. Barely registering her actions as she chased after the green coat.

_Fuck! Where are they?_

_-_

‘You don’t need to babysit me dipshit.’ That sounded like something Beth’d say, right? Sarah raised her hand to the wound on the back of her head, pressing the ice they’d give her against it gingerly. ‘I’ll be fine.’

 

‘You’re sure you can’t tell us anything else.’

 

She shook her head. ‘Attacked me from behind. Never got a good look at him.’

 

Art exhaled loudly. ‘You get some rest.

 

* * *

 

 

Beth couldn’t say when she’d fallen back to sleep, but she was roused by the noise of soft voices from the previously vacant space beside her. She concentrated on keeping her breathing steady. In. Out. In. Out. As she tried to keep the waking tension from the muscles in her back and shoulders.

 

‘Are you sure you’re okay, Sarah?’

 

‘I’m fine, Fe’ Sarah’s voiced sounded from beside her and she felt the tension drain from her once again. Sarah was there. She was back.

 

 The silence that followed the statement hung in the air for a moment until she felt a hand ghost over her harm. ‘ How’s she been doing?’

 

’She woke up.” Felix said. ‘ If that’s what you mean.’

 

‘We should have taken her to the hospital.’ She sounded so tired.

 

‘You know we couldn’t.’

 

‘She could’ve…’

 

‘Sarah.’ Felix interjected. ‘She’s fine. She’s gonna be fine.’

 

‘Yeah’ Sarah said as she settled further into bed ‘yeah.’

 

‘You sure you’re going to be okay if I go out?’

 

‘I’m fine, Fe.’

 

The voices trailed off and the tell-tale rumble of the door signalled Felix’s departure until the soft sound of their breathing was the only sound that filled the air. Sarah shuffled in the space next to her on the bed. Turning towards her, finally opening her eyes, Beth wasn’t prepared for the closeness of Sarah’s face next to hers. She looked peaceful in her near sleep, innocent. Like Beth hadn’t forced the weight of the world onto her shoulders.

 

‘Hey.’ She said, watching as

 

‘Hey.’ Sarah exhaled as her eyes fluttered open, her breath tickling Beth’s face as she spoke.

 

They lay there, watching one another in the near dark of the loft, neither of them speaking until they drifted off to sleep.

-

 

The other side of the bed was still occupied when she woke. She was sure that Sarah would be gone, that she was some figment of her imagination, a guardian who would disappear in the light of day. But there she was. Beth lay on her side, watching the rise and fall of her chest as she slept. Sarah was there. She was there and she was real, so real.

 

She didn’t know how long she lay there, just watching the other woman sleep. She was sure she couldn’t look like that when she slept. Like she was something good. Like she belonged.

 

‘Morning.’ She felt a small smile tug at her lips at the sound of Sarah’s voice, rough with sleep as she turned towards Beth on the bed until their position mirrored the one from the night before.  

 

‘Morning.’ She replied as she raised her eyes to meet Sarah’s. They were close, so close Beth could see the speckled flecks of colour, warm browns and golds inviting her in.

 

‘You’re okay.’ Sarah smiled, as she pushed Beth’s hair behind her ear, her relief palpable. Beth closed her eyes at the contact as Sarah’s hand came to rest on her arm, thumb stroking comforting circles, skin burning at the touch. _She was real._

 

‘It’s one of us.’ Sarah said, her voice no more than a whisper. Beth’s brow furrowed in confusion at Sarah’s words, ‘It’s one of us that’s… They’re killing us, Beth.’ Beth exhaled, her breath shaky. She nodded slightly as she lowered her eyes, moving closer to Sarah, her own hand coming to rest at Sarah’s side. She’d been afraid of that. ‘She’s coming after you. She…’ Sarah’s voice caught. ‘She would have killed you.’

 

Beth watched as the hand that had been resting on her arm stroked a slow path upwards. Sarah’s hand caught her underneath her chin, tipping her head back up so their eyes could meet. ‘I’m not going to let her hurt you.’

 

Beth’s breath caught in her throat at the strength of Sarah’s conviction. Of how safe it made her feel. Beth had come to terms with the reality of her own mortality, had confronted it, embraced it. She wasn’t afraid to die. But looking at Sarah, relishing the touch of her hand still lightly grasping her face, she had something, someone to hold on for. Grasp on to.

 

For now, at least.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_How could someone lose this much blood and still be alive?_

_How was she still alive?_

 

_I didn’t kill her._

 

The lake of blood that pooled on the bathroom floor almost made her gag. She’d done this. She’d stabbed the psycho with her face. The blood that stained the sink, the floor, even the walls. She’d brought this upon them.

 

_Why me?_

Meeting Beth, being Beth had caused her more trouble than she could have ever imagined. But there was no going back. Beth needed her. The look in her eye, the way her hand had tightened ever so slightly on her waist as she’d tried to leave her that morning; they were in it together now. Whatever that may bring.

 

‘She looked like Beth?’ Art’s voice rung through the room. ‘Is that possible?’ Art asked ‘Could they have been a woman. ‘

 

Sarah made her way towards their young witness, hoping that a believable look of confusion adorned her face. ‘I guess?’ she shrugged. ‘I never saw their face.’

 

Sarah knelt down, bringing herself to the boy’s eye-level.

 

‘I’m not her.’  She said, trying to quell the frightened look in his eye. He was just a kid, no older than Kira and she’d put that look in his eye. She’d caused this. She scanned the boy’s face looking for any signs of distress, she hadn’t appeared to harm him physically; that’s something at least.

 

 

‘She said you’d come.’

 

_Of course she did._

* * *

 

 

When she awoke once more she was alone. A note replacing Sarah on the pillow next to her. A hollow comfort.

 

‘ _Had to go out for a bit. Back soon.’_

 

Soon?

 

The word reverberated around Beth’s head, the relative ambiguity of it providing little comfort when it could just as soon mean an hour or a day. But as much as she hated it, it was a promise she could hold her to.

 

For the first time since she’d been brought to the loft, Beth climbed out of the bed. Unsteady on her feet she made her way across the floor looking for the bathroom. She noted the presence of Sarah’s brother asleep on the couch in the middle of the room.

 

_Not so alone then._ At least he wasn’t awake to force her back to bed.

 

Bending over the small basin she splashed some cold water over her face. She looked like death. In her reflection in the small mirror above the sink she could see the sunken shadows below her eyes, but she guessed that’s what happened when you almost die.

 

‘You shouldn’t be out of bed.’

 

She startled. Turning towards the voice, shrugging. ‘I needed the bathroom.’

 

Felix arm crossed his stomach, his eyebrow raising as he took her in. She could see the concern etched into his features and she couldn’t help but wonder why he cared.

 

Beth’s brow furrowed at the comment. ‘I said some of that out loud, didn’t I?’ she said running a hand through her hair.

 

He nodded.

 

‘Because Sarah does.’ Felix answered after a moment. ‘Now get to bed before you collapse. I’m not picking you up.’ His tone was flippant but she could feel the weight of his borrowed concern settle over her. She obeyed without argument, fatigue making her limbs heavy a she laid back down. Sarah would be back soon.


End file.
